Needs to vent.
Because I doubt anyone would be pleased to listen or read what I have to vomit. Basically I am having this immense mixed up feelings of disappointment, hate, anger, confused, moronic, & dissatisfaction. Yes you guessed it, this is a hate(sort of) post. Why isn't Friday coming any sooner.
Alas, after FOUR (5 to be exact) friggin' months finally there's a confirmation letter. Probation should've ended by mid February, though I have no fucking idea with the extra months for a confirmation. Did they mean they've extended my probation to 10 months? 'Cos of my punctuality? My inability to produce decent design? If it's so, why wasn't there any notice? This just simply doesn't justify the increment from July onwards. SO WHAT ABOUT THE PAST 4 MONTHS' PAY? Just forget about it?? Clientele complications is NONE of my beeswax.
I did not expect I'd reach this point of time again so soon, where I'm pondering about the work I do. Am I happy. Am I satisfied. Am I eager to continue on like this. The answer is NO. If so, what am I gonna do about it. What am I gonna do to change these negativities into something more positive. What are my alternate options. What other things I can do, but I've yet to try. I do admit I am very lucky that I only have minor financial commitments.
Bottomline, I'm still not happy with what I do. I can't see myself doing this for the next five years, I don't see any prospect in it, I don't see any sort of achievement that I'm seeking, and deep down, I'm not a big fan of artsy design. I'm planning to rekindle my passion for drawing again once more, IF it goes through for the first time, cool! I guess it's just whether am I willing to take the initiative & heart in doing it in the first place. Failure for once or twice or bajillion times isn't an excuse to run away from it.
In DMC (yes, this kuso anime), I find Negishi putting up courage singing his fav song by the streets with his guitar while being ignored by the passers-by is something to look up to. Funny, silly awful, & fictional, but at least he has the guts to do something he loves & feel happy about it. So tell that to myself *failure*
Yesterday I interrogated someone in a wrongful way based on an assumption. I realised my mistake later on. And it hurts the most when the anger I felt is developed towards myself. Nothing can be done, except being apologetic, & thinking what an ass I am. And there I was calling people an ass. I shall dig a hole and hide in.